Old Dogs Review

November 12, 2010 Leave a comment

My rating 1.5 Stars
Old Dogs was beyond awful. It broke new levels of awful for me. Seriously, did these actors even read the script before committing to this movie? Do they just not care anymore? They must not; “Just give me that pay check and let’s get this over with!” is probably the only thing on their mind.

I knew this movie was going to be bad, I just knew it. It looked bad, it had a bad title and the last few Robin William’s comedies haven’t been so great either. And the 5% rating at Rotten Tomatoes wasn’t helping it either. So the fact that this movie sucked was no surprise to me, but what was surprising was that for a moment, I thought I was going to be in for a pleasant surprise.

The movie started out really funny. There were several back to back moments that I laughed out loud. I thought, “Shit, I was all wrong! This movie is pretty darn funny!” I sat up straight and I prepared myself for a good show. Then, the laughter stopped and it wasn’t a slow decline! It was sudden! The movie went from being hysterical to no laughs at all. As if they did it on purpose and it only took 10 minutes. That’s it, ten minutes into the movie and the film made a complete 180 on me. It’s like the funny writer quit after 10 pages into the script. Probably after he realized that the story sucked and there was no way to save it!

But what a waste of universal proportions! I had to entertain myself by scratching dander out of my own head. I even found myself eyeing Glenn Becks website and actually thought it looked good. Both Williams and Travolta have made some real shitty movies in the past, but boy does this top the cake for both actors. They should both be ashamed of this borefest!

BTW, I got the funny feeling that the movie was first conceived as a gay couple who had been stuck with these two kids. I wonder if Hollywood thought that was too much and made the writers change the idea. There were so many “jokes” in the movie that after thinking about it, would have worked perfectly if the two had been a gay couple, but as straight business partners the jokes fell flat. Or maybe it was just the really bad writing. That reminds me if you want to see a movie purely for the bad writing, this is it! This movie has it all: bad writing, bad editing, and bad comedy. It is just plain awful!

Planet 51 Review

November 10, 2010 Leave a comment

My rating 3.5 Stars
Okay, Planet 51 wasn’t bad; Thank God! I won’t go as far as to tell you to go out right now, rent it and watch it, but, if you have children, this is a cute movie to watch with them. The kids will love it and you might too. There were a few subtle jokes thrown in strictly for the adults. I’m a sure that the makers of this film didn’t want to piss off the parents for making them watch another pointless child movie. I thought they did a good job with that.

The movie borrowed a lot of stereotypes from the 1950’s. After all they jokingly set the story in that era. The 50’s being the birth of the alien fears here on Earth: Area 51, UFO sightings, sci-fi movies, etc. It is also the birth era of other fears that some of us still hold true: the communists, Rock and Roll, protesters, etc. The film is very innocent; after all it is a kid’s movie. But I liked how they took that innocence to a new level. It is innocent, but remember that the 1950’s innocence was on the verge of awakening and realizing that life wasn’t as simple as black and white. The film is quite good that way. And it is a good kid’s story, but it might also spark some good moral thoughts in young minds.

Subsequently, this movie also borrows so many different elements from other films, current affairs of both 1950’s and today, pop culture, music and any other forms of art. I really dug this. It was fun to pick out all of the different references. The film is filled with Easter eggs (or cookies as a friend of mine likes to call them) just waiting to be found. That was just one more considerate thing the movie producers did for the adults. It almost makes the movie a semi-interactive experience and I give the filmmakers a lot of credit for it and I thank them for that.

This is a nice little film. I’m glad that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I loved the animation and the humor and I loved finding all of the different Easter eggs. Not a bad way to spend an hour and a half. I’d say if you have to watch this movie, don’t worry you won’t be bored to tears.

Broken Embraces Review Basura Apestosa!

November 10, 2010 Leave a comment

The following review was written under the influence of a powerful narcotic. Read at your own risk.

My rating 1 Stars
This movie is shit! I don’t understand why people love Almodóvar’s movies so much. The man is half a step away from being a bad pornographer producer. His stories are the most ridiculous stories I have ever seen shot on film and Broken Embraces is no exception. So what is the fascination? Is it because he’s Spanish and people fall for that stupid Spanish accent? Is it because it’s a foreign film and just because it’s foreign is must be good? Bull Shit! This movie belongs in a trash compactor somewhere along with the Republican Pledge to America.

I couldn’t even finish watching it. I thought it was the most ridiculous plot line for a movie that I have ever come across. If this movie was food, I wouldn’t even eat it if I were starving to death. I wouldn’t be surprised if this movie was responsible for my recent visit to the hospital. Granted the visit was quick, but it wasn’t painless. Similar to this movie, except that the movie wasn’t quick. It was two hours way too long and excruciatingly painful to watch.

All of Almodóvar’s movies are the same cheap pornographic movie with the same stupid story recycled over and over again. There isn’t anything interesting about any of them other than the sex. People, if its sex you want to watch, there are tons of adult movies out there with much better plot lines than anything Almodóvar could ever produce.

I curse the second I put this ridiculous film in my queue. I should have never put this in my list; I should have known better. I have seen…I have tried to watch three of Almodóvar movies in the past and couldn’t get through any of them, so I don’t know what I was thinking. I must have been delirious or coerced in some way. I refuse to watch the rest. I don’t give a shit if it gets better or has a great ending. No amount of greatness will make up for such perverse bad writing!

If you’re a fan of Almodóvar then you’re going to love this piece of trash because it’s the same old Almodóvar BS. Don’t expect anything different. I hope you enjoy it! Don’t bother telling me what happens because I don’t care! He’s done!

The Lovely Bones Review

November 10, 2010 Leave a comment

My rating 4 Stars
I couldn’t help myself. I know that The Lovely Bones wasn’t anywhere near being next in my queue but after looking at what was in store for me—it just wasn’t looking good; I said screw it! The Lovely Bones came in the mail today so I watched it and damn it, I enjoyed it. I had a good feeling that I was going to like this movie even though a lot of people hated it. But to me this idea was so unique, I have never heard of anything like this movie.

Of course Stanley Tucci was incredible! What an effing A-Hole! He played that part so convincingly that I grew an undeserved hatred for the actor. I have been a fan of Tucci for a while. I know he’s a good actor, I just didn’t know that he could play a character in such a way that would make me hate the actor. Because part of me thinks that to be able to successfully play this part he had to become that horrible monster…that, that…thing! All I wanted to do was reach into the screen, grab him, shake him and cry out, “Why, why?” This role couldn’t have been easy for him to do. Like the role of Mo’Nique in precious, Tucci brought the devil right to my monitor screen and I despised him for it. Well done sir!

I don’t care what the critics think on this one. They are dead wrong. This is a really good movie. It is what movies should be and Peter Jackson did an amazing job directing it. This movie wasn’t about a 14 year old getting raped and killed. They never even showed you that. The movie was about how the murder affected her entire family. How they were affected, torn and broken up. And I thought this was done almost to perfection.

Unfortunately there were a couple of things that bugged me about the film. There was one scene that I didn’t think should have been part of the movie. Maybe this was what other critics didn’t like. I thought it took away from the story. I didn’t even understand why it was there to begin with and it almost lost me completely. Thankfully, the ending more than made up for it. But for a minute, it did look like a really bad fumble and I thought I was going to be left extremely disappointed. Thank God, I was wrong.

Everybody’s Fine Review

My rating 3.5 Stars
I have got to stop watching emotional movies on my own. My God, Everybody’s Fine is so sad! I practically went through a whole box of Kleenex while watching it. I’m so pathetic sometimes. I’m a big sissy is what I am. I find myself crying during some commercials sometimes. I can’t even watch A League of Their Own because I start bawling like a little girl! I don’t care. I love emotional movies. It makes me feel alive and reassures me that my heart is not made of stone. And for that reason I really liked this film. It was a warm, kind and beautiful story.

I’ll admit that the movie takes its time to build, but I think the payoff is worth it. For your patience you are rewarded with a warmhearted ending that reassures you that no matter what, no matter what problems and tribulations may come, what really matters most in life is family.

However, to be perfectly honest the acting is not the best. I don’t know what happened because the movie featured some of the best actors that I know. Maybe the director just didn’t know how to bring out the real talent from the actors. That is always disappointing, but I still liked the story a lot and I would still recommend people would watch it. It just isn’t going to win any awards. But that is okay, not all movies need to be winners.

Splice Review

My rating 1.5 Stars
I have no words, no words to express how much Splice sucked! You know how much it would suck to get audited by the IRS five years in a row; well this movie sucked a lot more than that ever would. This movie must have been some kind of cruel joke played on the actors. It must have been. It is very obvious that the director hated the actors and made them shoot this movie at gun point, perhaps even held their family for ransom or something. I cannot imagine that any actor would read this script and think this would make a good movie.

I can appreciate that in theory, the idea of this movie sounds interesting. And it could have probably been a good movie, but whomever wrote the script botched it bad! First of all, there was no character continuity anywhere present in the movie. One minute Elsa is a good caring mother who will do anything for her “child” and the next she’s the Nazi mother from hell ready to mutilate the creature. The same goes with all of the characters in this movie. It’s like whoever wrote the script went through countless mood swings as they wrote it.

And the story…Jesus Christ, the story was so stupid! The movie starts out weak and manages to get weaker, if that is even possible. It went from bad to really bad to God awful! I kept hoping it would pick up because I was in it for the long run, but it just never did. I hated this movie! Thank God it’s over! I hope to never see this piece of shit ever again! I need an Advil!

The Private Lives of Pippa Lee Review

My rating 3 Stars
The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is an outstanding and beautiful story of a woman that never quite found herself. She was raised by a mother that was always high on speed and a father of the cloth. Pippa loved her mother very much, but her mother didn’t love herself at all. She was a mess. When Pippa finally had enough of that life she escaped by turning to drugs and doing what can only be described as soft-core porn. Her parents basically prepared Pippa to make one bad decision after another. They also taught her to dilute herself into thinking she was happy when she wasn’t.

This was a really good story, it really was. The movie however, wasn’t. I don’t know what amateur directed or edited this film! Or maybe it was the script, I don’t know, but the way the movie was presented made no sense to me at all. It is true that Pippa’s life was a very complicated story full of emotions and drama, but wouldn’t you think that a story like that almost writes itself? I find it amazing that they could screw this up so badly. I think that they tried to get all fancy telling you bits and pieces of her past life, sometimes out of order in hopes that it would give the movie a fresh feel. What it ended up doing was ruining the whole damn thing. We’re talking about family problems, people, not 5 levels deep of dreams! (Did you get the Inception reference?) That was completely unnecessary.

I’m sure a lot of you have seen Forest Gump. Remember Jenny? Remember how screwed up her life was? I’ve always thought that her story would make for an emotional roller coaster ride. Pippa’s story was practically Jenny’s life. How these filmmakers screwed it I will never know! I wish I could give this movie 2 stars, but I can’t in good faith do that. I really did love the story. I really did feel for Pippa. My heart went out to that character. She was such an innocent person and any time I see an innocent character being scarred by his or her own parents, husband, whatever, it really moves me. This movie could have easily gotten a 4.5 or even a 5, but they didn’t even try and that upsets me. I wish I could get a hold of that script and make it better. I think any idiot could.

%d bloggers like this: