Home > 2009 Movie Reviews > G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra Review

G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra Review

G.I. Joe:  The Rise of the Cobra about

G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra about the only positive point I can make is that it was slightly better than the Transformers 2.

My rating 2 Stars

Let me see if I have this straight. A man was arrested in medieval times by the French monarch and was charged with high treason for selling weapons to both France and their enemies. Were these weapons of mass destruction, bubonic infested cows perhaps, pitch forks maybe, mass guillotines? In either case was this really a big problem back then? Looks like someone read Oliver North’s book once too many times. But let’s just pretend for one second that may be a possibility and go along with the story. The man is charged, tried and convicted; his punishment surprisingly is not death. He is made an example of to warn people of the awful price of treason. Instead of putting him to death they casted fresh molten metal into an iron mask and while it was still glowing red hot, they fitted the mask right on his face, basically made the mask permanently on his ugly mug. I’m no doctor, but I’m sure that left a mark!

Fast forward a few centuries later to modern times. We met a powerful arms dealer who was a descendent of that French condemned man. He hatched a plan to take revenge on France for what they did to his great, great, great grandfather-in-law’s uncle and former life partner, who gives a shit? WTF, who holds a grudge for that long? I mean seriously! What a crock! I guess the Jews and the Arabs have been fighting for a lot longer, but none of them ever did anything near as stupid as G.I. Joe: Rice of the Cobra. Yes, “Rice”! It’s a stupid name anyways.

This is the most retarded plot I have ever heard. I knew there was a reason why I didn’t like G.I. Joe when I was a kid. I was into the Transformers, now that was a good cartoon, wasn’t it? If you grew up in the 80’s you were either a G.I. Joe fan or a Transformers fan, rarely did you like both. I always thought G.I. Joe was pretty lame, but that is just me. The movie didn’t disappoint me because I knew it was going to suck and by God it Hoovered. It was horrible! I was in serious pain watching this junk fest. About the only thing that made this film bearable was the hot ass kicking chicks in the movie. However I am not one to solely enjoy a movie for the hot chicks. That’s like enjoying a pizza only for its cheese.

They did a nice job casting beautiful people for the movie, but they had to because they knew the script sucked and they wanted to use some smoke and mirrors to get your mind off of it. This is probably one of the worse scripts I have ever seen. Although as much as it pains me to say this it wasn’t as bad as the second Transformers movie, but still pretty lame. It was so bad in fact that they didn’t show this movie to the critics because they didn’t want the bad publicity before it hit theaters. They knew they were pawning a bad script, but they also knew that because transformers did so well that there are enough G.I. Joe fans out there that are stupid enough to go see this movie. It really bugs me that Hollywood takes advantage of that. Is it really all that difficult to come up with a decent script?

What is even more ironic about this film is that this is a live action feature based on an animated series. I should really be careful when I use the term live action, because to be honest, most of this movie was animated. It just wasn’t animated the old fashion way with pens and ink. Instead they used sophisticated computer rendering software to create the images you see on the screen. It’s called computer animation or computer generated imagery (CGI) and it has become the “Special Effects” of the modern times. G.I. Joe is largely composed of CGI. I don’t know what percentage of the movie was animated, but I would venture to guess that 80 to 90% of it was. The makers of the film used five different animation groups/companies to make this film come to life. I guess one should respect and appreciate the massive scale of this project. But when you watch the film with that thought in mind you realize that for a modern high-budget blockbuster movie the CGI featured in this film were pretty lame for the most part. Don’t get me wrong, there were some scenes that looked stunningly awesome, however, that was less than 15% of the movie, the rest looked awkward and almost goofy. Needless to say, I just wasn’t impressed by the graphics of this film.

The film looked rushed, weak and pretty ugly. The editing was just terrible and don’t even get me started on the acting. I hated this movie so much and I can’t even venture to guess who would like this movie other than children, but since the movie was pretty graphic and featured plenty of swearing I can’t even recommend it to them. That leaves the fans of the original TV animated series. I wasn’t a fan of the cartoon, but if you were maybe you should check it out. I can’t help you pal. Don’t blame me for your bad taste in cartoons. :) Rice of the Cobra was just junk, pure useless junk! About the only positive I can say about this piece of shit is that it was just slightly better than the second Transformers and believe me that pains me to admit that!

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