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12 Rounds Review

12 Rounds

Should have been called, "12 Idiotic Rounds: Written by 12 Monkeys on Crack Randomly Typing on a Malfunctioning Non-QWERTY Typewriter"

My rating 1.5 Stars

After foiling the escape of an internationally-known terrorist, Miles Jackson, Detective Danny Fisher makes a successful arrest and sends Jackson to prison for along time. However, after one year, Jackson somehow manages to escape from prison, find Fisher, and plot an elaborate revenge game involving 12 rounds to get back at the Detective for arresting him in the first place. After blowing up Fisher’s house and kidnapping his wife, Jackson lays out the 12 Round game. In order for Fisher to save his wife, he must successfully negotiate each round and not get himself or others killed.

If you are thinking that this sounds suspiciously close to Die Hard with a Vengeance, you’re not alone. Not only was the action practically taken from Die Hard, I could have sworn that some of the dialog was similar too. Die Hard is not the only movie this film stole from. There were plenty of scenes that I thought were picked right out of Speed, but instead of a bus, it was a rail car. Instead of blowing up his partner at the assailant’s house, they blew him up at the assailant’s hide out along with the Jackson’s partner-in-crime. There was not one idea in this movie that was fresh, not one! It was like an Easter egg hunt for stolen material.

God, I hated this movie. There really wasn’t much about this movie that I liked. Part of me wants to say that the action sequences were fun to watch, but then you realize that they were lifted from another film and it loses all of its luster. In fact it makes me angry because there were a few scenes that were pretty well done. If you could get past the “WTF”, “How did he do that?”, “There’s no freaking way he could do that!”, “How is that even possible?” moments, some of the chase scenes were well choreographed and did look great on film. It’s too bad that it had all been done before.

Let’s talk about the “WTF” moments for a minute. I am willing to suspend reality when watching a movie. I have no reservations about that. I am willing to believe any ridiculous plot lines, any outrageous themes no matter how elaborate.  However, when a movie is based on real world situations, I need to see some realism, or at least the illusion of realism. In Die Hard they exaggerated some things, I’ll admit that, but I still believe that they kept the exaggerations to believable levels. In my heart I know that those situations aren’t really possible, but we have seen stranger things happen.

What I want to know is, how do you kidnap someone in a crowded ferry ship without any witnesses whatsoever? How do you sneak into a police officer’s house and plant tons of explosives without being noticed? How do you have conversations about blowing up a bus inside the same crowded bus and no one screams, “BOMB!”? How do you escape from cops through a sea of pedestrians while dragging a kicking and screaming hostage and no one, not one person takes the son of a bitch down or at least tries to? It wasn’t the plot in this movie that was ridiculous, it was the situations they got into trying to solve the 12 rounds. It was the most unrealistic movie I have ever seen, and I’ve seen all of the Lethal Weapon movies.

One more example of how utterly absurd this movie was:  there is a scene where the Detective, Jackson and the Detective’s wife are all in a helicopter. (I never caught what his wife actually does for a living, but apparently flying helicopters is one of her skills.) As she flies the helicopter, the detective and Jackson are busy in the back having a little skirmish. After the inevitable victory by the detective, Jackson has one last trick up his sleeve. He still has a bomb with him, with a special detonator that he used earlier in the film. Jackson activates the bomb. They have 10 seconds to do something, anything. Any smart person would take the bomb and throw it out of the helicopter, no, our heroes decide that it was safer to jump out of the helicopter instead. The helicopter is about 800 feet off the ground. They jump and they land safely in someone’s swimming pool as the helicopter above them explodes and I am quite sure that it must have vaporized, because after it exploded nothing came crashing down on them.

This movie should had been called 12 Idiotic Rounds: Based on a Retard’s Delusions of Reality. I apologize for offending any people with mental retardation, that was very insensitive of me to imply that they could come up with the script for this movie. Mentally retarded people deserve better than that. They are much too smart to come up with this drool wipe of a story. How is this instead, 12 Idiotic Rounds: Written by12 Monkeys on Crack Randomly Typing on a Malfunctioning Non-QWERTY Typewriter?

If realism doesn’t mean squat to you, if you like to see lots of cars crashes and mind numbingly simple puzzles, this is your film. Otherwise, rent Speed 2, you might enjoy it better.

Categories: 2009 Movie Reviews
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